Simpler Said Than Thought

My nephew, Ryu, has somehow become an expert of asking me difficult questions that make me pause. I never want to give him a partial answer for a question that deserves the full explanation. His latest interrogation was more of a commentary, but nonetheless, the only appropriate reply was to provide explanation for circumstances he seemed to care for and put thought into talking to me about.

"Uncle Earl, you should be with someone who likes you for you."

No precursor. No warm-up. As is custom for Ryu, he just jumps right into what he's thinking. In my mind, a labyrinth of recent events seemed to crash and cascade.  As I started explaining the demise of my last relationship, I was surprised.  The good memories that had turned bittersweet were remembered and cherished as the blessings they really were.  My mistakes, numerous and heinous, were seen as it were for the first time being told in a simplified light.

Sometimes I settle for a mind-reading relationship with God. After all, he knows what I'm supposed to say before I say it right? Wouldn't telling God the thoughts he already knows be redundant?  I am hesitant to admit that one of my sweetest times with God the other day was when I stopped and prayed before eating a meal. I felt as though I had held my breath the entire day - I've felt that way for a while.

I'm not really sure how to end this post.  Usually, I'm able to tie it all into a neat little, articulated paragraph that's catchy like the hook of a song.  I was told recently to my discredit that I was good with words.  I'm able to turn ugly prose into verse and chorus never meant to be deciphered and sprinkled with sugar.  Maybe that's why I've been silent with God lately.  I'm not able to hide behind the mask of articulation and poetry.  I'm not where or who I wanted be.  I find myself having fallen down where a child would never go.  Silence is the only honest prayer I'm able to express to God. I hope he knows what I mean.  Maybe honesty is the point.

The Still-Tender-Hearted ER Nurse

My co-workers started making wagers on how long it would take for me to become a calloused, hardened ER nurse.  Some gave me a year, others were not so generous. I sarcastically interjected a snide remark, appeasing those betting on my early demise.  If only they knew how my heart broke for them as well as my patients.  As they replied with almost sinfully satisfied laughter, they paused. And with a look of lost terror in their eyes, they subtly, yet honestly implored,

"Don't become like us. Don't lose your heart."

Most of the people I meet every day at work are literally having the worst day of their lives. Some have prepared well and are able to stand firm in their beliefs, their values. Others, I can only guess were ill prepared... probably having never prepared at all.

I sleep with my degree and license certificate next to my bed to remind myself in the mornings that it wasn't all just a dream.  I am where I aspired for so long to be.  But regardless of the pieces of paper acting as monuments to signify our accomplishments, each day we live is a culmination of our entire lives.  Each day is a goal that we have had to prepare our entire lives to accomplish. How have we prepared for the inevitable circumstances? Are we ready for tomorrow possibly being the worst day of our lives?

Fortune Cookie Faith

     "Fortune cookie faith" is a term I coined to describe much of the modern beliefs I've come across in meeting people of various walks and faiths. It's usually a handful of quotes and ideas that fit nicely into a Facebook status update, not demanding any real dependence on God, hope, or a desperation for grace. In contrast to John 3:30, many strive to construct a life for themselves that allows for there to be a decrease in the need for dependence on a faith. Saying that God is good, that He is faithful, is easy when life is full of sunshine and sweet potato fries. I wonder then how God must look to a world that doubts His very existence, when under a circumstance that most would denounce what belief they have, a person continues to hold fast.

     Most beliefs are adopted because they work for the believer, they provide comfort, meet a need. The critical question I ask myself then is, do I have faith in God, in Jesus Christ, because my life works, my needs are met, or even that I find comfort in the midst of chaos with the idea of a loving deity? Or do I believe simply because it is true? I submit that the type of faith stemming from the latter is the only type of faith that can withstand the pain and suffering of life. Otherwise, my faith is like a fortune from a cookie that is just as easily thrown away.

Suffering

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10, ESV

   The reality that I am graduated from college is yet to hit me.  I think it will kick in once the fall quarter begins and I, for the first time since I was 4-years-old, don't have to go to class.  With one chapter closing in my life, another one begins as I step into the role of a provider, a  protector, and a leader.  My latest thoughts stem from studying for the nursing state board exam, a new determination to take steps towards becoming healthy, preparing for what's next with avi, and a beautiful, Godly woman coming into my life.

   I have found that losing my way is always a very quick, almost painless act that requires little to no effort.  In contrast, it takes a longer time to find my way back than to lose it.  Each step I take trying to find my way back is a tiring task of re-tracing and in a sense, re-living my mistaken direction.  The same principle seems to apply to our personal struggles.  All it takes is one wrong decision, one moment where we lose touch with wisdom and our lives are hurled into suffering.  The process of finding our bearings can be more painful than the instant we lost our way.  And we hate suffering, am I correct?  We are quick to alleviate our physical and mental distress with medications and interventions.  Pain is seen as evil, the opposite of good. Yet, we dismiss the fact that pain is the reason we know something is wrong.

   How often do I pray to have my circumstances changed, my suffering alleviated, instead of praying to know the one to whom I am making my requests known?  Please understand, I don't believe that every bit of suffering or circumstance has some deep meaning or some profound lesson.  I'm a fallen person living in a fallen world full of fallen people. Suffering sucks no matter how you spin it.  However, I propose that a life I would want to live is one where my actions are unfazed by suffering; where my resolve is uncompromising despite circumstances.  The validity of an individual's pursuit in life can be accurately weighed by how much can be subtracted from their life for them to lose interest in that pursuit.  Now I ask myself, is my kingdom composed of cards that crash with one piece out of place?  Or clothed with mud, blood, and tears alone do I press on?

In the midst of chaos...

A spirit of restlessness and resistance can never wait, but one who believes he is loved with an everlasting love, and knows that underneath are the everlasting arms, will find strength and peace. 

-Elizabeth Elliot

Processing...

      Life has been moving at breakneck speed since returning from Ecuador. I admit, I am still trying to process my experience in Ecuador. I have a book's worth of stories and thoughts I have yet to sort through and make sense of completely. Probably the most disheartening to me is the reactions I've had in sharing tidbits of Ecuador with the blank faced, unresponsive. I'm not sure if it is the stories I tell or the way I tell them, but I wonder if the expression some people convey has its roots in confusion.

     Typically, I spend my vacation time in Seattle, Washington. The most common reaction when I share about my visits to the northwest are echoes of shared fascinations with Starbucks and rainy weather. I suspect that most vacations are planned sometime when day-to-day life transitions from routine, to mundane, and to torture. So, we entertain thoughts of places to escape our lives we see as prisons. I wonder, when I share about my experiences and my future aspirations, if the blank looks I've received from some are similar to the face many express when hearing about a subject they've never considered or found interesting. The romanticized notion of overseas missions has long passed. The harsh reality of the sacrifice to do my part to change this world is at times a difficult cross bear. Honestly though, there's nothing in this world I would rather be doing.

Helping deliver food, candy, and toys for Christmas near Mindo, Ecuador.
I had the privilege of serving alongside people I consider spiritual giants.

Loving on all of God's creatures. This little guy was neglected
and suffering from malnutrition. One of the guys who went with
us out that day ended up adopting the dog as his own.

Me, Mike, Mike (Miguel) & Claudia
We were able to serve alongside this radical couple living
out God's calling for them in Ecuador. I look forward
to what the future holds for (avi) and Pathways Int.
Check out their site!
Pathways Int.

Livin' la vida loca

#aroomwithaview: 9,000+ft above sea-level. I thought my cardio
was bad already, but this place just rubs it in

#beingbrown: go to a foreign country...
Totally look like a local

#howcouldwesayno: She found it hilarious that we
were reading to her in English. I guess English does sound funny.